It’s a mystery. With exploding media attention to late life care in all its aspects, sales of my story of late life caring are slowing down. I tell myself that selling books is not as important to me as selling ideas. I’m speaking to all sorts of groups and feel in my small way I am making a difference. But I have to be honest. Sales are a metric that matters too. I ask myself, does my story matter?
It’s a real life story. It’s the story that one in four Canadians who are caregiving can relate to, because they share my experience. My narrative doesn’t pull back from the tough parts. That would not be a true story. Yet it’s focus is squarely on all the ways that caregiving was a sea change in my life, “the hardest job I ever loved”.
I’m assured that The Dwindling is readable as well as informative. It’s even delightful. Sure, it’s poignant sometimes, even passionate. But over it all is the spirit of fearlessness and loyalty. And its bottom line is the crux of so much that is so underestimated in family caregiving. The power of love.
So why do so many buyers give my book a pass? I’ve been thinking about it. My book distributer from Sandhill Book Marketing in Kelowna provoked me with her question, “you’ve done a good job of promoting it. Maybe there are too many stories about caregivers on the market these days – what do you think?”
So this week I set up Janet’s pop up bookstore at our local summer market. I wanted to encounter people encountering my book, ask them if they could relate to my topic and did they have stories too?
One thing was immediately clear. People related! But rather than being like history buffs who buy history books or dog lovers who shell out for dog stories…. they recoiled from actually buying my book. There were different reasons. One woman said she wasn’t a caregiver to her stroke disabled husband, she was a wife. The label caregiver made her feel queasy. Another passer-by simply raised his eyebrows and said, “don’t get me started!”. Several daughters hurried by pushing a parent in a wheelchair. It was a nice evening and there is a care facility nearby. They gave me a daughterhood half-smile of knowing. Tearful visitors to my pop up reminded me of the hard to resolve emotion that many have in caregiving, even long after it’s over. I think I get it. When feelings are ambiguous, why would folks dig up old bones by buying a caregiver memoir, when they can just as easily buy a story about dogs or someone else’s history?
There’s one good reason. No element of culture can change until an avalanche of stories overwhelms the denial. A grey tsunami is bearing down on our demographic with its coming care needs. So we must invent a new normal. Not with a focus on those horror stories that leave us quivering in fear. But instead a focus on what quality late life care actually looks like. That’s the prowess of family caregivers. Yes, all our stories are unique. But we all are uniquely experts. So that’s why the plea of my pop up this week is: Tell Your Story! (and yes… I must be true to my craft…please buy my book!)
send me an email. I’ll mail you my book (email@example.com)
order my book from your local bookstore.
get in the line at the library
buy the book in print or on kindle from…you know…Amazon.
This month I was honoured to speak to a group in San Miguel de Allende on the topic of caregiving and in particular, how to really support a caregiver. Here's a synopsis of my ten ways. There are more of course, many more. But I hoped to get my listeners thinking about the ways to help, "hiding in plain sight". In future blogs I will talk about each of them in more detail. Here are my ten ways:
1. See Them!
Caregivers either deny or resist the idea that they are caregiving (no, I’m just doing what a spouse does) or underplay the level of effort involved. It helps a person who is giving care to show that you see them as carers.
2. Acknowledge Them!
Caregivers become used to being number two. A question that makes a big difference is the one so many fail to ask, “how are YOU doing?” But be aware that the likely answer, “fine” might be hiding a torrent of emotion.
3. Be Prepared to Listen.
Caregivers become isolated when they feel others are impatient with their “complaints”. It’s true, caregivers have a turmoil of ambiguous feelings. Having someone willing to listen without judgement is a big relief.
4. Offer respite.
This can be tricky because the cared for might resist substitute caregivers. A regular commitment is best of all. Preventing caregiver burnout or compassion fatigue can be addressed by regular breaks to be counted on.
5. Be alert to the signs of burnout
One of the difficult elements of burnout is that the carer suffering this may not be aware.
6. Don’t ask “Can I help?”
Help is necessary and welcome, but the best support is given without the carer having to ask for it. However, make commitments you can stick to. (Caregivers need to be ready with their list of tasks that can be passed on.)
7. Resist giving unasked for advice.
A hallmark of this is the phrase “you should...” Offering perspective and giving guidance can be extremely helpful, since caregivers are so isolated. However, hold back on such conversations until the carer is able to hear.
8. Watch your mouth!
There are many common things that people say that are usually not helpful to the caregiver. Example: “I know just how you feel”. But worse than saying the wrong thing is saying nothing!
9. You can never give too much encouragement.
Balm on the soul of a carer is a comment like, “you are doing such a great job”. Carers suffer in silence with guilt, and the feeling that they are not doing enough or doing it right. Help the carer to banish this negativity.
10. Share the caregiver story.
One in four Canadians and Americans has been involved in caregiving and all have stories that they could tell. But they don’t. This means that the caregiver and the role of family caregiving in health care systems is dismissed. Unfortunately, this invisibility means that there is little incentive for policy makers and politicians to support caregivers.
Photo Credit: BC Family Caregivers.
Yesterday was the International day of the book. I liked the effort of UNESCO to recognize my work as an author. The organization’s top dog said, “Books give shape to the wealth of human experience”. I like that. She added, “they express the search for meaning and expression we all share”. Even better. “And so books can drive societies forward.” Best of all.
The Dwindling was in part my way to weave all the tendrils of my grief into something that would honour the hard journey my parents took to the end of their lives. But I also believe that in sharing their story i can “drive the society forward” if in only in my own tiny way. The power of one.
But I wish that there was a “Speak Truth to Power” day. That phrase, first used by Quakers half a century ago to help the powerless confront totalitarianism has new meaning now.
As caregivers, speaking truth to power gets us beyond the value of our service, and nudges us to stand for something more significant. Our lived experience gives us the right to speak. Our passion gives us the clout. My goal is simple. Using what I've learned about late life care, make it better for those coming down the road. And some of those future folks are us. Short of a lightening strike or some other quick end, it is likely we will all need some level of care for some length of time in our late life. So speaking truth to power also has something to do with us.
But how to go about it? As an individual, I’m staying focussed on a few talking points and use them as a lens for commenting on what comes up in the news or by other means. My bottom line is that caregivers need and deserve more recognition, respect and support for what they do. And a greying society needs to hone its priorities so it can deliver more appropriate late life health care than has been the norm in the past. I do it by speaking. Blogging. Tweeting. Commenting on line. Podcasting. Not shying away from conversations anywhere. Supporting other caregivers. Being known for my views. Being a thought leader. Being a change maker. Standing for something. Not being shy. But staying knowledgable. And "catching them when they are being good" as well as challenging slips. That's how I'm speaking truth to power these days.
But there’s an alert. That power might push back. It might drag its heels or ignore me. It might belittle my idea. Or shame me for sounding off. . This. fear of retribution too often holds me back.
My mother was acutely aware of the risk of complaining when she was in long term care. “You catch more flies with honey”, she would say. But in silence she also endured service gaps that were unacceptable from my caregiver perspective. Even years later, I feel a flush of frustration when I think back to some of my advocacy jousts. “Follow the channels”, I would be told. “Get in line” "The policy says..." The worst was “Who do you think you are?” which never failed to silence me in shame, for a time. What right did I really have to push for anything to be different than it was? Advocacy was always stressful for me. Caregivers I speak with now agree. They say they walk on eggs and hate being passive, then lash out at care providers and cringe in guilt. They admit that both modes are unhelpful during caregiving. And afterwards, they struggle with residues of frustration or anger.
That’s the power of a book. Readers get new oomph during their caregiving, and feel less ambiguous in their recovery when it is over, They see themselves reflected. “That happened to me too” is a reassuring recognition. They feel less freakish for those hard to acknowledge, let alone reveal, feelings that plague them through and after the caregiving experience. Or the joy. As UNESCO says, books give shape to human experience, including the experience of caregiving. But again, beyond a soothing story shared, how do you answer the call to speak truth to power. Go past the power of one to the power of many?
My blog will look for stories of collaboration in addition to everything else that I find worth talking about. Maybe I’m a voice in the wilderness in seeing that change is necessary and possible and urgent. But I believe by combining our resources and energy we'll have greater impact. When we improve the landscape of care in the here and now, it will be there when we must traverse it someday.
So you want to be part of the change? Bravo! Let me suggest a start. On May 9th, join a Canadian webinar, 10am Pacific Time for just 90 minutes. The webinar is about turning up the volume about the essential role of family caregivers. I hope it’s also about exploring ways to work together to make things better. Three thought leaders, from British Columbia, Nova Scotia and Alberta will share their perspectives. And so, I hope, will all of us.
Register by clicking on this link.
I hope to encounter you there!
It felt like I was trying to sneak into some speakeasy. The sign on the door said “staff only”. It opened a crack when I knocked and a burly guy with headphones half growled, “who are you?”
Did I have the right day, I wondered, or the right TV studio? He led me down a hall with equipment slung everywhere and dripping umbrellas. “We’ve got a big show tonight, he mumbled, gesturing vaguely to the cavernous room bathed in greenish light. He didn't have time, she said, to brief me on The Show, so I would have to wait for instructions. None came for quite a while. Restless, I observed other probable guests milling around and looking as mystified as I felt. Piles of coats, purses and backpacks grew everywhere. The studio was packed wih cameras, cords, monitors and soundboards. A camera on a boom loomed over it all. Techies buzzed with purpose, ignoring those not wearing the volunteer name tag. Like me. I felt like I was underfoot.
Eventually a woman who carried herself in every way like she was the head honcho, called for silence. She was the Director, and introduced herself as Fiona. Everyone stood at full alert, and I was impressed with her sang froid in the midst of it all. Fiona thanked everyone for coming out on a rainy night and reminded us that this was an all volunteer operation. This night's production would be tricky, she warned. There were lots of guests, and some unknowns to be worked out. A young man with an Elvis pompadour crooned sad songs as he pounded on a keyboard, someone else fussed with a display of eerie dolls, and there was a picture gallery of buff women in provocative poses. But what was that humongous orange feathery looking mask doing crumpled on the floor?
We needed a run through. Fiona, said, rising to be heard above the hum. She reminded everyone that hitches were not goofs but rather learning opportunities. Even so, she warned, "keep the gaffes to a minimum please." Once cameras rolled for the hour long show it would be live to tape. That meant there would be no second chances.
Now the volunteers leaped into action. Clearly this rehearsal had nothing to do with we guests, so still, we waited. Details about which camera would zoom in when, which camera angles would work best, sound challenges, and how each host would flip the action to the next. I was fascinated. But I still stayed out of the way, still only an observer. .
This is a community variety show and I was here to introduce my book, The Dwindling, A Daughter's Caregiving Journey to the Edge of Life. I had no script, but a general idea of what the host wanted to hear about. My nervousness was pure ego. How would I look on camera? I kept tugging at my blouse and fiddling with my scarf and fluffing my hair. Other guests were also preening, some were taking selfies, and still others were zoned out in their smart phones.
Half an hour into the practice, the production hit a wall. Proceedings came to a sudden halt. The Chinese Cultural Society, in partnership with the Scottish Society, were to talk about the big dinner planned to concelebrate Chinese New Year and Robbie Burns Day. In high pitched Mandarin a clearly anxious elderly woman was pouring out her soul to no one in particular. Even without words, we all knew she had problems. Translated, we learned, “our esteemed leader says there must be more space for our dragon-sword dance. And she wants to know where will we have our fashion show? We have many ladies and they will also dance” Fiona blanched, “Fashion show? Dance?" How could all this have slipped by the producers? The old Chinese matron looked as if she would cry. The line of elderly women in ornate silk dresses, with stiletto heels and fans waving coquettishly but nervously, and that slinky orange dragon head and tail operated by two eager boys began to sway wildly. We all held our breaths while the technicians paced out how much space could be made available. In the end, this drama within The Show would have to unfold in a square footage not much larger than a family living room. It took another half hour for everyone to agree it might work. Still, confidence level in this was low.
By now I had been in this studio for more than three hours and felt my stomach growl. No food or drink was allowed in the studio however. When would this darn taping begin? I felt growing impatience. Finally Fiona put her hand in the air and gave that five-four-three-two-one finger flip that I had yearned for. It was time for the real thing.
The next hour passed in a minute. As the dragon staggered onto the floor and the Chinese fashionistas minced delicately down the steps clutching the bannister, everyone held their breath. When the six minutes of this segment was over, Fiona air punched her triumph and the technicians high fived. But the taping dragged on.
When I was going to be up next, I flashed into focus. Someone settled me in a chair and angled my body just so. Another hooked me up to a mic, apologizing as the wire was fed up the inside of my blouse. I pulled down my sweater one more time and brushed away a stray strand of hair. I blinked in the strong light, and sucked in. ”...And we’ll get back to the bikini contest after this next segment, where we will hear from a local author…” Jane, my interviewer, tensed ever so slightly as she received this cue and mouthed “show time.” I flashed my biggest smile. “…Tell me,” she said, holding up my book for a close in shot, “what is this book all about?” We were off.
In rapid fire, we batted ideas back and forth about the caregiver’s struggle with identity and the care receivers feelings of frustration because of their vulnerability but most of all, their loss of control. We also spoke of caregiver's isolation even in the intensity of the caring relationship. In minute three, I Jane raised her pinky finger, ever so slightly. and I knew the gesture. It was time to wrap up the content of the interview and get to the promo part. So I explained about my talk coming up at the seniors centre, and the interview wound up with Jane's invitation for all the viewers to hurry out and buy my book. Did anyone else find it odd that my story of the challenges of dwinding was squeezed between muscled women in leotards, talking about their challenges with performance weight and six packs?
Someone unclipped my microphone. “You were great!” he said, "Interesting," said someone else, "...I have a mother in care." I rummaged through the pile for my purse. The same volunteer showed me to the door. “It’s fun, isn’t it?” He said, not expecting an answer.
Driving delicately home along the rain-slicked highway, I reflected on this experience. For five hours I had been “done to." Though it was obvious that as "the content" I was the whole point of the show, I had felt sidelined. Is it how being cared for might feel? My nervous impatience in the studio reminded me of the hours waiting, so often, in emergency ward anterooms. Those technicians with their preoccupation could have been the medical specialists that so often swirled around my parents, sharing nothing. Most of all, I thought about how having no control even for five hours had rattled me. Hey, wasn't that the life long reality of the dwindler?" I wondered how they coped inside.
As I pulled into my driveway I offered a silent thank you for the insight this time had given me. Being forced to be passive when I wanted to act had been unsettling. It had given me a new understanding. As I went into the house with the “I’m home” that would lead to dinner soon, I smiled. "How did it go?" my husband asked.
“Art imitates life," I replied.
This was my suitcase filled with pocket sized notebooks. It was step one in my writer's process.
I started out 2018 with a request from a group in North Vancouver. Would I answer some questions for the newsletter? One area where this group was curious was my writer's journey. I realized that this might make an interesting blog, so here goes.
1. Tell our readers a little about your journey to writing this book. What prompted you to start?
When my caregiving years ended in 2011, I thought I wanted to get back to my life-interrupted. But I moped, I fiddled, and I knew I was in a stall. People said I was grieving. I knew it was more than that. Those old goals belonged to a version of myself that was gone. Caregiving had transformed me. It was Judi, my twin and co-caregiver (daughter on deck while I was daughter at a distance) who could feel my malaise and offer a way out. “You are a writer,” she said, “And you have a story. So tell it. Writing a book is your new normal.” So I began.
Writing the book was a challenge. I had ten years of hoarded information. It filled the room that had once been where my parents stayed on their respite visits. Now it was my writing space. A stack of records of our care conferences covered a carpet stain that I recalled with a smile as the spot where the full commode tipped over. The visitors books, kept for years for visitors to report their impressions, so the day to day perspective of others, not the caregiver twins, could be preserved. Those books became the header to my year by year paper piles that covered the floors. On every wall space, a forest of sticky notes grew. It was a timeline to help me recover details of what happened when. Names of specialists and other important people were in pink, my flashbacks to troubled times were captured in fluorescent yellow, and those events that looking back seemed to be turning points were lime green. And so I pieced together the details of what had been a fog and the book outline took shape on the wall.
Early versions of the manuscript were heavy with sadness and even guilt. Had I done right by Mom and Dad? Then there were a few angry versions while I processed feelings around the support that did not come. Subsequent versions gradually found the balance between dark and light. I was almost there. Coming to the final versions, I began to see the arc of the story and that my narrative had much in common with the journeys of other caregivers I was meeting. “Yes” my early readers said, “I see my story reflected in yours. Keep going."
My darkest day though was when my brother, hearing me describe my progress in a voice I knew was too passionate for his taste, said dismissively, “No one will want to read that.” Thunk! That one negative, delivered in a minute long conversation, snuffed my zeal for months. Again, Judi came to my rescue. We talked through this writer’s block. We talked about siblings and my fears of hurting them or our relationship by speaking my truth which might not coincide with theirs. We agreed that this brother had been the least helpful to our parents in their dwindling. By what right could he quash this story? So I began again, now with a tougher skin but more aware of my brother’s partial truth. Denial would be a force limiting my readers. There would be many who might love the book but resist in case it dug up old bones for them.
Four years from the day I took up my pen, the book manuscript was launched in a coffee party on Mother’s Day 2017. From that day forward, my life has speeded up. I had started as a caregiver, became an author, and now I was emerging as an advocate for the recognition, respect and support to caregivers, and a boost in quality care available at the edge of life.
2. You have mentioned in interviews that writing was a way to cope when you were caring for your parents. Can you offer tips for caregivers wishing to use writing as a coping tool?
Don’t just wish to write. Do it!
I used little coil notebooks that fit into my purse and went with me everywhere, along that a pen that worked. My book was private. It was not a journal, not a diary but a place for my stray ideas and insight. I wrote out what was nagging at me too. I didn’t need spell check. I didn’t even expect sense in my jottings. I didn’t even reread them.
I did title the books, pasting a label on them dated from the first entry to the last, because I wanted some sort of order. And I hoped that some day the clarity I obtained at the time in writing the notes would be even greater insight if I ever looked at them again.They delivered. When it was time to “really” write, there was this suitcase full of feelings. So my crutch living the caregiving journey became my inspiration as I wrote about it.
What were the highpoints of your writer’s journey?
This week I had an article written about me in the Vernon Morning Star, under the byline of Parker Crook. People say it tells a good story. I figure, why not share it with my readers? I'm just back from my book related trip to the Okanagan, and this piece helped me to find audiences that otherwise might have missed me. So thank you Parker! He writes....
As the median age rises steadily in Canada, concerns regarding palliative care rise with it
Fertility is down and people are living longer.
The answer to the conundrum, according to Qualicum Beach author Janet Dunnett, is the utilization of family caregivers. But it’s a hard job wrought with stress, difficulty, and long hours, which Dunnett resonates in her book, The Dwindling: A Daughter’s Caregiving Journey to the Edge of Life, for which she will hold an informal launch at Vernon’s Bookland Aug. 30 from 12 to 2 p.m., and a reading from 7 to 9 p.m. at the Okanagan Regional Library.
“My purpose, far beyond book selling, is to support the recognition, respect, and support given to unpaid family caregivers,” Dunnett said. “Getting to that requires those who know the story of caregiving to tell it with feeling and often, and with balance of course… There’s bliss with the grit.”
The Dwindling follows Dunnett’s decade long experiences of caregiving for her parents, and serves as a reflection for the stories of other caregivers.
“It was becoming clearer and clearer and clearer that my parents were fading,” Dunnett said. “(There were) all of the little signs that they weren’t going so smoothly.”
Dunnett lives on the Island, and throughout her caregiving, she assumed the role of daughter-at-distance for her parents in Calgary, and supported her sister as daughter-on-deck.
“More and more, daughters are caregiving at a distance,” Dunnett said. “But distance needn’t take anyone off the hook. Together, my sister and I found a way to work together and be there for the parents.”
Throughout their time caregiving, Dunnett, as a writer, kept a log of what had been occurring. It wasn’t until after her duties ceased that she realized it was a story she had to share.
“I was feeling that it was important to tell a certain story,” Dunnett said. “It was our story, but it was an important one.”
The Dwindling talks of Dunnett’s hardships during the caregiving process, whether its the constant travel or worrying from a distance, and the struggles that go along with it. However, through the hardhips came positivity.
“This is not all a negative story — it’s a crisis with an opportunity,” Dunnett said. “Out of it is a lot of strength too.”
Through caregiving for her parents, Dunnett said her family became closer. It brought her and her sister closer together, and ensured her of the shared love between Dunnett and her parents.
Though, with Canada’s aging population, Dunnett is concerned with the lack of potential caregivers for her generation: the baby boomers.
“As more and more of us close the line, fewer and fewer people are in line to take on the job of caregivers,” Dunnett said. “We’re in total denial that our time will come. For all those reasons, we’re just not paying enough attention to palliative care.”
This is particularly worrisome, Dunnett said, as Canada’s palliative care system is more a dream than a reality. The ending result is that caregivers are forced to be the glue that holds the health care system together.
“There’s this sense of unpreparedness for caregivers,” Dunnett said, adding that, with The Dwindling, she hopes to help remove the situation’s invisibility before it becomes a crisis.
It’s far from easy. Caregiving takes everything the caregiver has. But for Dunnett, it will always remain, “The hardest job I ever loved.”
This June I took up a challenge to flash write a little true story in under 250 words and in about an hour. The contest was put on by the Canada Writers in Victoria and, as always in that town, it drew a crowd of participants. Hey! I've got an honourable mention! It was good practice and even more, a way to pull back memories of that crazy time after the caregiving was over and before I decided I must write a book. Here's my flash truth.
“She looks familiar”, I thought, glancing her way.
It was fleeting because I needed to be somewhere else. This shrivelled old lady, wrapped in a rebozo against the Mexican morning’s chill, barred my way. She was not in a hurry.
“Buenas dias,” I said politely, peering at my watch and shrugging. Would she understand I had no time to talk?
I sniffed. That smell was just like Mom. On good day mornings in my months as Mom’s caregiver, the mix of cigarettes and coffee on her breath as I kissed her said she’d got out of bed, filled her percolator and lit a Rothmans or two. For now, Mom was not frozen in pain. It would be a good day.
And what about this senora’s back? It hunched in the same way Mom’s had. In the old days, kneading Mom’s hot spot signalled to me loud and clear if she was too sore for a planned outing. Ow! meant let me be.
Earlier that morning, I had been shocked to see my favourite picture of Mom ping onto my screensaver and get stuck there. Her head was thrown back in that signature belly laugh. Seeing it, my two year carapace of stoicism had split wide open and grief spilled out. I’d sobbed for hours. Now, looking at this old woman, I felt free.
She threw her head back, just as Mom did, and laughed that same deep throat joy. Suddenly, I knew.
“Sea feliz,” the crone rasped, backing away from me.
“OK Mom, if you say so. I will.”
I'm wondering. Has anyone reading this had an apparition from a dead parent?
This is not my own blog post. I am using it because it has struck me as so very important.
It comes from a website called The Unprepared Caregiver. The blog is written by Dr. Zachary White. @Zmwhite is an Assistant Professor of Communication. His academic research and teaching focus on how people manage meaning and communicate their experiences amidst high levels of ambiguity. Like caregiving!
His personal turning point was when he became a caregiver of his dying mother. Then he knew how his empathy and education would merge to the thinking we need. Heart thinking.
I became a follower of the work of Dr. White when, innocently I know, I was asked by someone looking at an article I had written, to "prove" that caregivers feel isolated. It was a kick in the stomach and a reminder to me of how much work there is to do... really!
Thanks, Dr. Zack!
Who wants to visit someone in a hospital? Too depressing, right? Who feels comfortable walking into the home of a friend or neighbor who is chronically ill? Too awkward, right? Who knows what to say or how to act around a work colleague whose preterm child just died? Too personal, right?
This is how modern life works. When things are going well—people are around. And when life becomes strange, fractured, interrupted, inexplicable, messy, uncertain—others willingness to engage silently evaporates. This doesn’t necessarily happen because people are bad or mean or even insincere (even though it often feels this way). So, why do we often feel like the people we expect to comfort us too often disappear into the background when we most need them?
We have a cultural care problem that too often leaves us unprepared to comfort those in need. Throughout our lives, we are taught (and rewarded) for celebrating ongoing and never-ending change.
In the world of commerce, we are constantly being told we need to buy this or get that so we can become something different or better.
In the workplace, we are expected to constantly improve and our performance evaluations are based on proving how much we’ve done, accomplished, and changed over the past year.
Even in our most intimate of relationships, we ask those nearest to us to constantly change . . .
“I love you but I need you to value your health more by losing weight.”
“I love you but you need to be more passionate if this is going to work out.”
“I know you work really hard, but it sure would be great if you made a little bit more money.”
Our culture tells us that acceptance is always synonymous with settling and resignation. So, is it any surprise that our preoccupation with constantly changing ourselves and others has become memorialized into common sense . . .
Engaging with others should always come with conditions.
Change is always possible and within our control.
Tomorrow will always be better than today.
Acceptance and satisfaction means settling and settling is a sign of failure.
Our collective faith in perpetual change gives us a place to focus our attention, dreams, concerns, worries, needs, and hopes. But an exclusive preoccupation with change also makes it difficult to know how to act or what to say or how to be when we are in the company of someone whose life situation calls forth acceptance—not change.
When we are asked to be with the person in front of us, not the past version of that person, not the future possibilities of that person, not the person you need him to be, or even the person you want her to be—but the person next to you, yes, that real person—is it any wonder too many of us become overwhelmed and rendered incapable of connecting?
What do I say? What can I say? What would I talk about? What can we possibly have in common? I don’t want to be rude, but what can this person do for me? Where will this conversation lead? Why would I connect with someone and risk getting close when there’s no way to predict what tomorrow will bring? I just want more, what would I have in common with someone who doesn’t want that?
Nowadays, genuine, deep care requires a corresponding type of rejection. In accepting the person nearest to us who is in need, we also have to reject the habit of looking through people to find a glimpse of our future, as if the people we are with are simply a means to something better. Accepting another person without conditions can be blinding because it asks us to be with another without the protection of talking about what isn’t happening, what should be happening, and what we want so desperately to happen.
When people ask you why you are a caregiver, or question how you have been able to care for a loved one for so long, or why you are such a good friend to others in their times of need, what they are really asking is how can you possibly engage another without the filter of change?
While most people are obsessed with persuading others to become and do something other than what they are now, they miss what we have trained ourselves to appreciate. On the other side of change is a frame of acceptance—a radical way of being with another that invites dimensions of deep connection. When reaching toward others, what would happen if we gave ourselves permission to connect without the expectation that the person in front of us need be anything other than who they are—now? This simple but profound orientation might just be the invitation to connection that reminds us—and them—that not everyone leaves when need rises up.
The event last night cost me a lot in time, gas, and cookies. In every way but cookies, it came up short. Or did it?
The occasion was a reading of my book, The Dwindling, A Daughter’s Caregiving Journey to the Edge of Life, at the largest library in my area. Looking out the window of the cavernous room we’d booked for the occasion, was the picture perfect harbourside of Nanaimo BC. Looking out over the audience, there was one wizened lady with a big sun hat, a backpack and sensible shoes.
Here’s the back story of this nightmare.
It began with an idea that my author friend Carollyne and I hatched over a glass of chardonnay, that we could both tell our stories with their tough truths, and sell lots of books. The author circuit would be more pleasant in collaboration with a friend. How could we lose? That plan came to fruition last night. But it did bear fruit?
We called our dog and pony show, Adventures in Elder Land. Her novel’s theme is elder abuse, one edge of a family relationship where the elder’s vulnerability is misused by greedy children. I’m on the other edge. We stepped up to support our vulnerable parents.
Over several hours, Carollyne and I figured how to meld such different approaches in different genres into one compelling event. We chose three issues bound to trigger response: the onset of dementia, family consensus, and the tug of war of control. Our powerpoint tossed the presentational ball back and forth between us. We practiced reading with feeling. I bought the juice and cookies and Carollyne got the technology working. Then, in the last half hour before show time, we fortified ourselves in the cafe across the street with a pinot noir, speculating about how many people going into the library were our audience. Wiping our lips of tell tale stains, we were ready.
Our audience of one browsed our books table without reaching for her wallet. The librarian said it was silly to introduce us to an audience so small. She offered excuses for the debacle. “The day is too beautiful. Children are just out of school. It is the start of the long weekend. The topic is depressing."
Feeling a little ridiculous, though perhaps not as uncomfortable as our audience, Carollyne stepped up to the mike. Her voice echoed like a grinding vacuum cleaner in an empty cathedral. I couldn’t manage such artifice, even though it was our pact to call this a dry run. Instead, I sat backwards on a chair, leaning onto my audience who introduced herself as Rosemary. Fifteen minutes into our hour she sighed, reached for another cookie, and told us to please stop the presentation. It was boring and a little bleak.
Munching contentedly, she began her critique. Too long. Too stiff. And most of all, we had no rapport with our audience. “I don’t want to hear about your book,” she said, “not at least until I know more about you.” Like Socrates she pushed me. Every answer I gave about my motivations for writing the book led to another question. Why did you do that? How did you feel? What was really going on inside? There was a sheen of sweat on my forehead and I felt the prickle in my arm pits. I stammered, all pretence of smooth talk gone. At last my carapace cracked. Who cared about my masters degree in community based research anyway,?Rosemary snorted. Piffle! It was my story about sitting with African women under the acacia tree, digging for their truth about hauling water, keeping healthy, learning to read that really interested her. That was the fact that would convince her why I was compelled so many years later to collect every artifact of my parent’s dwindling and try to make sense of it all. Rosemary assured me that if that was my true credential, people would relate to my book. But I must limit the readings to a paragraph not a page. “People have the attention span of a flea”, she said, slurping juice. Carollyne had the same grilling. “I sound like a piece of fluff,” she whined.
“No, you sound like you have a right to write this book,” Rosemary replied, full of confidence as she took three more three cookies and wrapped them in a paper towel “for later”. She slung her backpack onto her shoulder, straightened her hat, and said she had do go.
But before she left, she made the big reveal. Rosemary was a retired teacher. All her career she had forced truth out of pose in thousands of students. “You’ll get there eventually,” she said as she stood to go. “Keep at it.”
Our thanks for her coming came from the soul. This stranger had offered more than any book or course or coach in presentation. ever could. And we needed her on this maiden voyage. From the perspective of our plans to ply an audience with talk and refreshments and then sell books, this was a failure. From the perspective of learning, we were winners beyond any expectation.
I have two goals as an author of The Dwindling. One is to sell it. The other is to use it to engage about important ideas about caregiving at the edge of life. Two audiences have different expectations, and need different approaches. So thank you, uninvited teacher! You left a gift of edgy honesty that was worth far more than the cookies you cost.
“Just a quick note to say thank you for a great evening and for sharing your experience. It rang bells and stirred a desire to do something to build our community of support.”
An email this morning has got me on a roll. “To do something to build our community of support.” Yes! I’m seeing everywhere I go how sharing my story always seems to pull out a dozen others from those attics in caregiver’s minds, where they’ve been stashed gathering dust and maybe even guilt. But two extraordinary events this week in Calgary tell me it’s time for us all to pull together with what we know from being caregivers, and get cracking to make a better world.
The first setting is an indie bookstore, Owls Nest, in a strip mall and known by any Calgarian who loves books as one of the very best places to be. The crowd is mixed. My interview on CBC has pulled in all sorts of curious people. The place is packed, “more than twice as many people as we have ever seen at an event like this,” says Sarah the events mover and shaker for the store. Fortunately there’s enough wine. Unfortunately, there aren’t enough books. We’ll fix that of course. If not from the preferred Canadian source, then there is always Amazon.
But I digress. This is not about my reading. That just kicked off the discussion. A geriatrician passionately spoke about the most precious time of life, it’s very end. A spiritual time. A time of transformation for everyone lucky enough to be involved. A time to treat life tenderly and allow it to end the way it is meant to be. And support? The best comfort that medicine and love can offer. Her passion for the palliative approach to end of life care was palpable. Her hand was on her heart as she spoke. A pin dropping would have felt like an interruption.
Then several caregivers spoke in turn, an ethicist, many daughters of course. An old man struggled to his feet, turning to his listeners like a pro communicator, except that his voice trembled with emotion. His was the story of a beautiful death, his wife’s, and her choice to accept the help of a physician to end it at her chosen moment. Back and forth the pole positions went while the audience held its breath. Would this become a squirmy debate? It didn’t.
I offered my favourite image. A powerful eagle, soaring on two fully functioning wings having all the necessary flight feathers for strength and balance. One wing, that choice we are learning more about every day, called Medical Assistance in Dying. The other, that choice we need to develop. Palliative approaches for comfort care available to everyone who needs it regardless of where they live and why they are dying. Only three in ten Canadians have a hope of getting it now. That’s not right. Everyone nodded.
But this extraordinary discussion didn’t end in that agreement. “What about the people who do not have caregiver family?” someone asked, twisting her widow’s ring. Hard question. But out of the audience came the first threads of an answer. “We must relearn what we knew before, how to be community strong.”
Someone else recalled the crisis of the ice storm that knocked the infrastructural stuffing out the city of Ottawa for many days and was still remembered. Not for the crisis, but the opportunity. Only when the lights went off did neighbours start to know each other, share food and warmth, make friendships that lasted long after the heat came on again. That terrible time was the rediscovery of the long lost play book of really being in community.
To me the best bit of all came as dusk settled outside the Owls Nest. The speaker was a thirties-something woman, striking in her youthful beauty and smiling as she looked around at all of us, speaking loudly so overcome the whistles of our hearing aids. “Thank you!” she said. All eyebrows raised.
She explained what she meant. We were the first folks of a certain age she’d ever met who weren’t trembling in fear of the future or fist shaking at the failures of systems that weren’t helping them enough. We were embracing the idea of remaking community, “like the old days”. She was sure too that being there for each other would help us all navigate the the way ahead on that uncertain demographic journey, and clear away rocks in the road. “Thank you for what you are teaching me.”
It was a different crowd the next day, at the old sandstone building in South West Calgary that used to be a boarded up school. I arrived with my box of books and young guys in hard hats all raced to hold the door. Scaffolds were everywhere. This is C-Space, It came close to being demolished to make way for condos. Some visionary won the day to refit it into an incubator for a cultural shift. This is where the Calgary Association for Life Long Learning was setting up chairs for my talk about The Dwindling. I’m right on the money of CALL’s philosophy. Members have valuable knowledge gained from life experience and a diversity of talent to be shared, it’s website declares. I did my reading. We talked. Then I moved to the hall for more conversation and to sign some books.
It was noisy out there. Drums were throbbing and what sounded like a native honour song was being belted out at full voice just down the hall. Presently a kind faced native boy with glistening black hair down his back came to apologize for the ruckus. “Are we too loud?” he wondered. He explained that his group was preparing a theatre piece, rebooting the proud story of Treaty 7 First Nations. for a new generation. He was excited by it all, said he felt a new and inclusive era dawning with so many people ready at last to understand.
“Noisy? Not at all,” I said, handing him a copy of my book to read on the tour bus. “We are rebooting too…” I explained about the conversation we had just had, as one story led to many and we all realized our common cause. I told him we also had a problem with perception. “We’re called the greys in the What’s Ap world and hey, that tag makes us see ourselves as feeble too!” I reached for a pen to sign his copy. “That isn’t right!”
My elderly peers pitched in, realizing we were confirming our idea by explaining it to this fellow. We told him that we were seeing the beginning of our solution to the caregiving crisis up ahead, and thinking how to take it into our own hands. We might not have wizard tech skills or fingers still flying over our smart phones, but we know what a good community of care looks like.
“Pass the book around when you’re done,” I said, “I think we’re all on to the same idea.”
He looked at us, a gaggle of wrinkled women grinning at him, and there was just that hint of wrinkled brow to tell me he had a question. “What’s that idea?”
I smiled, passing back his signed copy. “It’s simple,” I said, “We are the solution we yearn for.”
it's about the journey
Caregiving was my first and finest journey. Writing this book about it was the next. It lends support to other caregivers who say, "that happened to me too." I'm on another journey now, advocating for caregiving and an activist to bring on better ways of thriving as we age. It's all brought me purpose and meaning, Come along and get some of that too! I'd love to share your stories. Boldly speaking out about our experiences makes us all part of the change we want to see. So
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